Another Reason Why I’m Crazy!…

Posted on May 23, 2018 by admin

 

First of all, ewwwwwww!

Frontline just did a piece on Harvey Weinstein, and he was even worse than I feared! I didn’t know, I hadn’t even heard anything, but I knew not to try to meet with him when my time at Miramax came to an end (due to health reasons).  I wonder why.  I wasn’t especially strong at that time and, though I didn’t know, I knew I wasn’t up for a struggle.  (See?  I knew it would be a struggle!)

It was all such a long time ago – but I see Harvey’s face wherever I go and they talk about the time I was there.  I can’t get away from it!

 

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Wanted: One Brain

Posted on April 28, 2018 by admin

One of the reasons why I sucked as an actor is b/c I couldn’t promote myself. I just could not.  (But you have to be able to do THAT much, at the very least!) But on one of the first auditions I went to in NY my resume/credentials were questioned (“you couldn’t possibly have done that much…”  blahblahblah) – rather than have a response on hand (sarcastic or not), I slunk home feeling like my very honesty as a Human Being was questionable.

(One other reason why  I failed as an Actor is b/c I wasn’t very good.  That may actually be true, but it might also be the depression talking.  So I’ll save that for later….)

So I chose other routes that required less self-promotion – usually a resume would do.  And it seemed to work, at first.  But when that ended, I got a certificate in Mediation, but I didn’t want to have to hang a shingle and seek out clients.  (Duh.  I didn’t want to have to hang a shingle as a Psychologist or Actor either!)  Then I made “Thingies” (jewelry and window hangings, that sort of stuff) – which required, duh, that I sell them, face-to-face (at Craft Shows!) or online (requiring technical skills for which I have NO affinity).

Now I’m writing this blog, requiring previously-said techno-deficiencies.  What am I thinking??!!  AND I have to self-promote it??! How do I do that? AND I should strive to be honest??!   But, seriously, I have PTSD – how am I going to recall shit without dredging all sorts of stuff up?  I was afraid of this, that I was losing my mind – this proves it!

 

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“You Read Too Much”

Posted on March 14, 2018 by admin

Have you ever had a doctor tell you that?

And yet, my own extensive experiences with doctors tells me that they don’t all know everything (or anything, in some specific cases!) and/or tell you what they do and don’t know.  And so I “read” to get info.  The best I can do is try to get that info from supposedly reputable places, yes?  I do that.

Therefore, your “you read too much” is ignorant and insulting, and the reason why I will not be seeing you again.

And it’s the reason why I don’t currently have a Neurologist.

Too harsh?

 

 

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WTF – the corporate experience

Posted on March 10, 2018 by admin

See, I thought that it was me: this vague sense that things weren’t really as they seemed.  How hard One wanted stuff, no matter how hard One worked, didn’t really matter.  What really mattered was unknown.  It was, therefore, out of reach?

(I spent many years in therapy, asking about this non-existent book of rules that no one else seemed to be reading!)

When I started corporate work in NYC, a zillion years ago, in the film industry, I noticed there were very few female executives.  And I also noticed that the female executives that were there kept to themselves and tended not to mentor.

I wondered why it wasn’t different than it was.

 

But I didn’t wonder why it was like it was.

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WHY I’VE QUIT WESTERN MEDICINE – AGAIN – Part 274

Posted on March 10, 2018 by admin

…but I want that piece of paper! (It’s my “visibility”!)

I was misdiagnosed with Lupus, and took meds for it for 8 years. What’s to keep me from wondering about Fibromyalgia (FM)? Lupus, like FM coincidentally. is one of those diseases for which there’s no specific test. (I understand now how I was misdiagnosed, but still!!)
So what about Depression? What if, instead of a “thing” in and of itself as it’d always been treated, it’s a symptom of something else?
There’s always been a ready reason for each symptom – like depression, for example. But, hey, I’m one single entity, dammit, you know?!

But – how can I possibly explain this? – it’s like the essence of #METOO – I think it’s about being made to FEEL INVISIBLE, yes?

Am I completely wrong? Or is invisibility/relevance my own neuroses? …

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Aging

Posted on February 20, 2018 by admin

I’m not aging well.  (Do ANY of us really?)  What I mean is that I’m definitely NOT Aging gracefully!  Do I have to treat Aging as a “co-existing condition”?!  (tho it’s really no such thing – any more than being “female” is just such a “co-existing condition”, what with all the effects of hormones and all that …)

I mean, WTF!?

An example of the wonderful world of the muddling of Aging: I have fibromyalgia (FM) and I’ve had to learn NOT to run screaming to my doctor for every little thing (things that would make any normal person scream, btw) b/c it’s probably the FM that’s magnifying my perception of the pain signal blahblahblah.  The general rule is that I only check out new and/or life-interfering things.  So, first I moved and lost all my long-term doctors.  Then, I went to these NEW doctors with NEW (to me) symptoms (I was having problems with my eyes).

Turns out, the eye thing?  Aging.  (One of those things that isn’t guaranteed to happen to everyone, but does happen to some of us if we stick around long enough!  For example, my partner has hearing issues.  I have blurry-eye issues.  I guess some of us last beyond the “best buy” date!)

So, on top of everything else, my new docs think I’m a lunatic!

Now, I’m reluctant to see my doc about anything new to me b/c it’s probably just the aging process (or FM, or osteoarthritis…)!  Balance problems?  Sensitive hearing? Trouble walking?  Blurry vision?  Nausea?

Chemical sensitivity?  A symptom of FM – even after quite some time – means that stuff I tolerated before now comes back to bite me on the ass.  There are practically NO meds that I can take anymore – I’m currently one of “those people” who can only use medical cannabis to treat pain, nausea, depression, etc.  (Tho I’m waiting for that one to go belly-up any day now too!)

So, non-pharmaceutical relief is the only kind I can seek, and when they (topicals, yoga, pot, distraction) don’t work, I’m fucked.  (As is anyone within moaning distance!  Again, my partner comes to mind.)

 

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What Do You Call This – PTSD

Posted on January 19, 2018 by admin

Not that I in any way can do this, but I had wanted to “bestow” the PTSD diagnosis to vets and military people. It’s thought of as a military-thing by most people anyway, right?
(But I keep using it anyway, for people like me. I tried to do the “memory-recall defect” thing, but I just can’t catch on yet. Gimme time.)
In the meantime, seeing my ex-boss’s face on TV and in boldface lettering in print EVERY SINGLE DAY brought me back to ALL those bad-old days, where my leaving Miramax was but the beginning of my demise. (PTSD, as I heard best described, means that the person not only relives the event, they also, therefore, relive the original trauma – over and over and over again!)

If that’s not PTSD, I don’t know what is! So, what to you call that, then?

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Mediation – A Story About Not Caring Anymore

Posted on January 15, 2018 by admin

After I left Miramax, but back when I still cared, I got my Certificate in Mediation at New York University’s School of Continuing and Professional Studies in Brooklyn’s Small Claims Court. I loved it and was good at it. But I wondering if there was any reason besides illness that kept me from pursuing it at the time.

It was dated August 2001.

Then 9/11 happened on, well, 9/11.

Mind you, I was up there. In fact, I watched the towers come down from my roof. (Tho the pix/proof got lost in the flood!)

 

So I guess if I ever care again I could do the Mediation-thing down here in Philly?

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What Do You Call This – My Harvey Story

Posted on January 13, 2018 by admin

I actually worked at Miramax Films a million years ago.  I went there as someone else’s  assistant and then worked my way up to Vice President of Contract Administration.  But then health horribleness became a part of my life, and my career came to a crashing halt.

Here’s my Harvey Weinstein/Miramax story.

When I could no longer do my job (the one I created, thankyouverymuch) b/c of health issues, I had a personal dilemma: leave, or argue for my own relevance directly with the bossman.  (I had already gone to HR, which was useless and humiliating!)  But I decided NOT to go directly to Harvey to fight for my existence b/c of HIS reputation.  I had too much else going on in my life, I didn’t want to add THAT to it.

So it was me doing the discrimination.

What do you call that?

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Independent Lens/PBS “Unrest”

Posted on January 11, 2018 by admin

Can’t recommend it enough! (“Unrest”, a film by Jennifer Brea, shown on Independent Lens on PBS)

Invisible illnesses are too often treated as psychiatric issues simply because no one knows what to test for! (And then THAT doubt causes other psychiatric problems! And so on, et cetera!) It’s an immune system defect, a neurological brain disease, but without that piece of paper that deems it “real” for too many.

I have fibromyalgia, among other things, and this film is about ME/Chronic fatigue syndrome.  But I can’t tell how many times “you look fine” was lobbed my way.  I use a cane sometimes now just for balance, but “invisible” stands for there being no tests or bandages/casts/blood – any of which would make the illness more visible to others.  (“You look fine” would be thrown at me by ex-bosses when I’d need to leave work – “but you look FINE!” –  as well as by people who thought I needed a salve for how sickly I felt – “…but you LOOK fine!”.  Neither situation was helpful.)

The show points out that it’s a HUGE ask of loved ones to care for the sickly one.  And suicide is mentioned as a sometimes result of the chronic disability.   But it’s not directly mentioned that many suicides are the result of (a) not having a support system and/or (b) not being believed simply b/c there are no test results to “prove” it!

So, what’s this called? (Or did we discover a new DSM stat?): …when your reality is questioned?  “You’re not feeling that, you’re feeling this.”  “It’s all in your head.”  “See a psychiatrist.”  “Life is fair.”  “Work hard and you’ll succeed.” OK, I may have gotten a bit carried away…  blah blah blah – you know, that.  So, what’s that called?

 

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